THE ROTTEN DOG
There was a man once who seemed to have everything he could possibly need to be perfectly happy. He had a beautiful home, beautiful cars, beautiful clothes, beautiful wife, beautiful kids, an important job, lots of perks, use of the company jet, time-share villas all over the world, and a mistress who looked like Scarlett Johansson on one of her better days… But something was missing, he couldn’t put his finger on it, but there was an aching void nagging at his solar-plexus. God only knew what was wrong with him! So he decided he needed to set up a meeting with God..
He started turning up at his local Presbyterean church, in his Ferrari, Armani suit and Gucci shoes, sank down to his knees with the best and worst of ‘em… Attended Bible classes religiously. Helped raise money for a new pulpit, even though he knew he could buy one just by selling off a spare pair of his hand-embroidered Italian socks, he figured the Big Boss upstairs would be more impressed if he organized a bake-sale, so he organized a bake-sale. Stayed behind after every service to help pick up all the prayer-books and re-settle the pews. Everything was all very pleasant and polite, but after a while he didn’t think he was getting any closer to a meeting with God. It was still a mystery to him what was happening in his solar-plexus. So he decided to embrace the mystery and converted to Catholicism…
He became a Catholic. Flew off to Rome to witness the Pope blessing the multitudes. Bought himself several solid-silver crucifixes and a whole case of bottled holy-water. Learned how to cross himself while pouring ketchup. Studied his catechism religiously. Went to Confession at least seven times a week. But finally he had to admit he was no closer to a meeting with God. Maybe he’d been sending his memos to the wrong guy, maybe Allah would fax him back…? So he converted to Islam…
He became a Muslim. Grew his hair long and a big beard, started turning up at board-meetings in a long flowing robe and a turban, which disturbed some of the board-members, but, hey, profits were still going through the roof, so they figured what did it really matter what somebody looks like??? He studied the Koran religiously. Every morning, noon and night he’d be on top of the roof chanting excerpts. Which was the last straw for his wife, she took the kids and went to stay with her mother in Long island. Which on the plus side did leave him more time to explore his spiritual path. Though he didn’t seem to be getting any closer to a one-on-one with the Supreme Being… So he converted to Judaism…
He became a Jew. Grew his beard even longer, started wearing his hair in ringlets and switched the turban for a yarmulke. Ate nothing but gefilte-fish and matzoh-balls for a whole month. Studied the Torah religiously. Instead of chanting on the roof, he started wailing against the bathroom-wall. But after a while he felt he was just talking to himself.. So he decided to stop talking altogether…
He became a Buddhist. Shaved all his hair off and tried to think of nothing. He’d sit cross-legged on the floor staring at the wall trying to think of nothing. Meditate around in ever un-increasing circles trying to think of nothing. He bought himself a bell, which he rang whenever he was starting to think of something. He studied nothing religiously. Donated all his money to an ashram in Kuala Lumpur. But nirvana was proving elusive…
So he went to live on top of a mountain. maybe the clean air and the oxygen would blow the cob-webs from his solar-plexus??? He lived on top of that mountain for seven years. Every morning he’d stand at the edge of the cliff calling out to whoever was up there to give him some truth!! The spirit of John Lennon, “just give me some truth!!!” But after seven years, nothing, nada, not a sausage! Desperately disappointed he set off back down the mountain…
About a third of the way down the mountain he came across this utterly hirsute creature wearing only a rabbit-skin loincloth, kneeling on a big boulder, rubbing it with a lettuce-leaf. He asked the creature what he was doing : “what are you doing? What are you playing at for God’s sake!” The creature replied “Och the noo the aye get the kippers on the grate Janet it’s a braw brich moonlicht nicht tonicht!!!” Which somehow the man intuitively translated as “well, this big boulder is keeping the sun from shining on my vegetable-garden, I need to wear it down to a more manageable size!!” And the man thought, if this creature has the faith and persistence to do this, I should have the faith and persistence to wait a bit longer for God! So he went back up the mountain and waited another seven years…
But after fourteen years, nothing, nada, not a sausage!! So he headed back down the mountain. About two-thirds down the mountain he came across this woman wearing nothing at all, breasts as big as beer-barrels, squatted on this giant toadstool rubbing a long thin rock with a brussel-sprout. He asked her “hey, what are you doing, what are you playing at for God’s sake!?” “Och the noo”, replied the woman, “ och the noo the aye get the kippers on the grate Janet it’s a braw brich moonlicht nicht tonicht!!” Which somehow the man intuitively translated as “well, I’ve lost my needle. I need to make myself a new one!” And the man thought, if she’s got the faith and the patience to do this, I should have the faith and patience to wait a bit longer for God! So he went back up the mountain..
Waited another seven years. But after twenty-one years, nothing, nada, not a fucking sausage!!! So he headed back down the mountain, only this time he bush-wacked at a fair gallop, keeping his eyes closed so he wouldn’t get distracted. Till he came to the bustling outskirts of the city, where he opened his eyes only to see this gang of unruly youths tormenting and tossing empty soda-bottles at this mangy crippled half-dead maggot-ridden dog. “Hey, what are you doing? What are you playing at for God’s sake!?” Of course they looked at him like he’d been living up a mountain for twenty-one years, ran straight home to warn their parents they were being invaded by naked rabid hillbillies!
Meanwhile the ma realized this dog is starving. Without thinking he bites a big chunk of flesh from his forearm and feeds it to the dog. The poor dog is being eaten alive by these maggots. He has to get the maggots off the dog. But he doesn’t want to hurt the maggots, so he kneels down and he’s just about to sip them up with his lips when the dog vanishes!! He hears this deep dark voice behind him : “OCH THE NOO THE AYE GET THE KIPPERS ON THE GRATE JANET IT’S A BRAW BRICH MOONLICHT NICHT TONICHT!!!” It’s God! How does he know its’ God, well, who else would it be after twenty-one years on top of a mountain.? It’s God! And the man is so happy to finally meet God, he hoists Him onto his shoulders and starts calling out for everybody to come and say hello to God!!
Of course everybody is staring at him like he’s a naked rabid hillbilly, avoiding him like the plague. Finally this cop turns up, discreetly slipping his half-eaten donut back into the bag so it doesn’t get infected, and he asks the man “what are you doing? What are you playing at for God’s sake!!” “I’m not playing at anything”, replied the man, “I just want everybody to come and say hello to God!!!” The cop calls for back-up. It takes seven of them to wrestle the man away from God. He’s thrown in the back of the ice-cream van and taken to the nearest lock-up, next morning transferred to the State Lunatic Asylum. Meanwhile God is taken to the nearest Vet and efficiently put out of His misery!