IN TUNE WITH THE TIMES (It's all about blending in.)And speaking of jesus...

And speaking of Jesus….When I was a teenager I read this short-story in a national newspaper, the winning-entry in a science-fiction competition, about time-travel. Set sometime in the future when it was as common as a package-deal to Cancun, one of the hottest tickets at the time was a trip back to the Crucifixion. Leaving from Lourdes, to get you in the mood. A brief stop-over in Bethlehem to witness the first Christmas, check out the Magi : “a lot smaller than I imagined, if it hadn’t been for them camels they would’ve looked like three gippos from the caravan-site down the road! And the stink from that stables! You could smell it a mile away, we had to watch from the hillside with the shepherds, they thought we were stray sheep, cause they’d dressed us up in these woolly jump-suits, we spent two hours learning how to bleat, cause you have to blend in!

Then it was fast-forward thirty-odd years to Jersusalem. Don’t have to pack anything, no luggage, everything provided, especially the clothing, cause you need to be sartorially in tune with the times, otherwise things could get really freaky! You’re given your list of instructions : we want you to throng the road to Calvary and every now and then punch your fist in the air and scream CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM!! In Aramaic, which can be a bit of a tongue-twister if you come from Doncaster! Of course there’s one guy - there’s always one in every group - needs to explore off the beaten-track, I think he was looking for a rest-room, realizes none of the locals are actually attending the execution, just all us tourist time-travelers CRUCIFY HIM! CRUCIFY HIM!! Most of the local guys are down the pub talking sport or politics : Galilee United for the cup! These bloody Romans, build us a few roads they think they own the world!!!

All the women are at home cooking up the cous-cous, kept the kids inside for the day so they don’t have to witness all these poor buggers getting strung up on wooden-crosses, seems a little over the top! Especially for that guy who didn’t seem to have done anything, just went around telling everybody to love each other… Talk about the punishment not fitting the crime! And who are all these blood-thirsty motherfuckers thronging the road to Calvary??? Must be imperial plants, not a lick of conscience or compassion between the lot of ‘em! They should be stripped and ticketed and put back on the next time-machine back to purgatory where they belong!!

Which, of course we are, after the Resurrection and the finale Ascension, half-an-hour in the gift-shop, some souvenir strips of shroud and a couple o’ dozen wooden splinters, ten dollars a pope! Something to pass on to your grand-kids. It was a hell of a show! like you were really there witnessing Our Lord experience His final anguish then come out with a smile on his face, a halo on top of his head and able to levitate! Shame about the food, just bread and fish all week! And that wine, tasted like cat-piss, I think the grapes had gone off! Still, all in all, an experience not to be missed! Next years we’re gonna do the Ten Commandments. Apparently you can bring your own booze, and your dancing-shoes, cause I’m told there’s one hell of a party before things get really serious!”