CORNFLAKES, MATZOH-BALLS & THE ALIEN INVASION

Sometime in the deepest darkest depths of ancient antiquity, this space-ship landed on the planet Earth. A brave band of inter-galactical pioneers from the planet Lugosi, dispatched by their Queen Bela of Lugosi, in search of new worlds to conquer! And it looked like they’d just found one. An apparently untrained, untamed, under-utilized wilderness, ripe with rich plumbing possibilities and no sign of intelligent life. Just these grubby buggers wearing musky diapers, obviously thick as two short planks. wouldn’t know their technological ass from their elbow! Seem to spend most of their days lying around, alone or on top of each other, when they’re not bent over semi-erectus tugging mis-shapen apparently edible objects out of the ground, or fully erectus hyper-kinetically dancing about waving their arms and legs around and enchanting gibberish to somebody who doesn’t seem to have landed yet! We need to show them what real civilization looks like, we’d be doing them a favor…

They’ve already accepted us as gods. We’ve been feted and feasted, and they were absolutely blown away by our after-dinner magic show, and the unfurling of the Lugosian flag as we explained to them - in sign-language - the great cosmic principles of eminent domain, lebensraum and finders’ keepers! Some of them didn’t seem to realize they’d been found yet. It was only after we explained - in sign-language - the kind of work they would have to do for the rest of their lives. some of them turned rather rude and belligerent! Of course we vaporized them on the spot, best sign-language ever invented. The rest now seemed to get the message, especially when they realized we were not going to bring their friends back any time soon, they decided to cooperate.

But to pre-empt any future peevish outbursts, we immediately initiated a program of mutative miscegenation. Several of the bravest members of our band volunteered to inseminate some of the least grubby females of the species, implanting our extra-terrestrial seed, bred a whole new blood-line race of hybridized humanoids, now only thick as one short-plank, whose loyalties and identities were now so confused and compromised they were willing to accept guidance from anybody.. ”Who the fuck are we???? Where the fuck are we????” “Are we the fuck are we???” The cream of this “fuckarwi” tribe crop we dispatched to various strategic outposts throughout the planet, to promote and promulgate our civilizing agenda, and to procreate - a little more selectively - future generations of hybridized humanoids, some of whom we let in on the secret that they were not altogether human and could therefore do all kinds of inhuman shit none of them regular grubby buggers would ever dream of doing! But to ease their grubby nightmares we inaugurated an on-going series of magic shows, each one more spectacular than the last. Along with regular apparently random mass evaporations, civilization progressed apace, worked like a charm, till eventually nobody could even remember or were quite willing to forget that this world was ever any different from how it is now, was and ever shall be : a fairy-tale come true! Kings and queens and princes and princesses, great leaders, great battles. great heroes, such grace and nobility and beauty of stature would make even the grubbiest eyeballs bleed with admiration and yearning to emulate their idols, go forth and give their lives in the battle against any monstrously ogrish villain or wicked step-mother who dared impede our progress into this brave new world, built from such humble two-short-plank beginnings and an apparently meaningless existence!

For six millenia that brave band of inter-galactical pioneers labored tirelessly day and night, but on the seventh millenia - first Wednesday - they rested! Decided it was time for a break, they’d earned it. So they loaded up their space-ship with all manner of precious metals and jewels, and at least a light-year’s supply of cornflakes and matzoh-balls, returned home to a hero’s welcome from Queen Bela of Lugosi, leaving the planet Earth to be ruled over by their loyally hybridized men - and a few women - as well and as wisely as they’d been pre-programmed to do.

But as in any popular fiction worth its’ mythological salt, there has to be a twist in Moby Dick’s tail : some of those loyally hybridized henchmen - and a few women - were not as loyal as they’d pretended to be. After six millenia, all the planking burned from their brain with too much thinking, they could see their condition all too clearly : mere puppet-slaves to their alien masters who didn’t even live her anymore, just kept demanding their regular tribute of cornflakes and matzoh-balls! Independence stirred in their hybridized hearts. But before they dared declare open defiance they had to create this world a united front, and develop a cosmic state-of-the-art technological prowess that would demonstrate to their masters should they choose to invade again, we earthlings - hybridized and otherwise - would not go down without a fight! Eventually they organized a global tea-party, dumped a whole shipment of the Lugosians’ favorite treats into the Atlantis Ocean : “how do you like them matzoh-balls, motherfuckers!!!??? You can grow your own cornflakes from now on!!!!”